city mouse, country mouse

Driving home to Brooklyn we came through Times Square. Culture shock on a grand scale.

For months now I’ve been thinking of New York as a demon lover – the one who doesn’t treat you well, who throws you just enough crumbs to keep you stumbling along in the relationship, who endlessly promises and rarely delivers. The one you stay with too long, can’t find a way to leave.

I’ve had a growing suspicion that my relationship with this city may be over. I no longer feel a deep sense of relief when the pilot announces the approach to La Guardia. I crave a garden and limited entertainment options. I’m even nostalgic for driving, for goodness sakes.

Our trip upriver was not merely a vacation, it was as a scientific experiment exploring the city-leaving premise. I didn’t expect a clear answer but within a day I knew. I felt the wide open sense that I could leave New York. Walk away. Like the moment when you look at your husband/lover/partner, the person you see morning and night, who is central to all your days and decisions, and realize that one day, possibly soon, this entire life you’ve constructed together will be gone. This person will be friend or memory. Your paths will part and start new.

But before anything changes there is today. And tomorrow, and tomorrow’s tomorrow. M and I just shacked up; his job isn’t as portable as mine; we may never want to revisit the trauma of moving which is reason enough to stay put. It isn’t clear where we would move to, and it isn’t enough to want to go.

Who knows where this will lead.

10 Responses to “city mouse, country mouse”

  1. Wendy Says:

    Wow. A sense of a doorway, a threshold.

  2. Barb Says:

    Endings and beginnings; so much possibility. Stay tuned…?

  3. Shula Says:

    And it may dispel.

    Or not.

    Time will tell.

    I thought being tired of living in the middle of everything would never happen to me.

    Amazingly, it did.

  4. Eliza Says:

    I used to feel more interested in leaving. Sometimes it’s about moving things around in one’s life to make it work. But a city is a city; if you want to be in the country, you want to be in the country.

    (have you checked out Prospect Park for a little nature fix?)

  5. Katy Says:

    You can get some seriously cheap houses in Michigan now. Over the river and through the woods. Plus – Netflix is kinda sorta like limitless entertainment options.

    I’m just saying.

  6. Ellen Says:

    oooohhhhh, where to begin a comment in the soft flurry of thoughts that are so intwined with a sense of loss and excitement and curiosity??

  7. thenextstopwillbe Says:

    are you breaking up with me? 😉

  8. chris Says:

    well a demon lover that is not putting out {ie crumbs} I guess is just a demon. And also you may not have gone into the belly of the beast or the valley of death but you deffinetly have moved to the edge of the dark forest. and sometimes petrified wood is magical and intrigueing and sometimes it is just dead wood.

  9. Rose Says:

    Wow. I don’t think I quite heard that sentiment the other day. But I really get it and appreciate that feeling. We were in Beacon the other day grabbing coffee and using the loo on the way to hiking and I thought of you. It really is your kind of town. Though a little run down, it’s close to the city without being in it. Anyway. Hugs and moo!

  10. Alexa Says:

    If you can walk away from the water and embrace day after day of sunshine, I definitely recommend the interior West. Denver and Boulder are vibrant cities with creative communities and a range of professional opportunities. And while ever place has demonic qualities, the ones in this part of the world are pretty easy to shut down. Because you can close the door, drive East onto the Plains, drive West into mountains, drive South into the desert.

    (Where I live in Fort Collins… it’s a bit more of a culture shock because the city is so small, generally conservative, and groan-very white.)

    I recommend some vacations, some trips to places you find yourself thinking about — explore your fantasies with some new “lovers.”

    Happy New Year!

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